Hi there, today I wanted to re-share my good friend Dharia from Dharia’s closet story she shared with me and my readers last year, this story has stayed with me since and I wanted to re-share with my new readers. This woman is amazing and I am so fortunate to be friends with her and I pray to God we meet some day soon. I have split are story in two parts, part one is what you will read shorting and part two is on my second blog Myrabev’s Corner so finish here and go check it out the second part HERE
I have a friend, Miranda, that I had never had the chance to meet in person, but luckily we found each other in the Independent Fashion Bloggers Community. After we messaged each other, we clicked right away, and I felt I’ve known her for a long time. She is smart, she is sweet, she has a lot of faith, and many other things I admire about her. So, when she invited me to make a guest post, at the beginning I froze because I didn’t wanna disappoint her, but after I read an entry she wrote about feeling fat (when I actually think she is gorgeous), made me gather some courage and speak about this for the first time in my life. This is the first time I talk about this publicly, but I think this can help many girls of any age to improve the way they feel about themselves and their body. Many people have told me I am pretty, I have a nice face, and I have a gorgeous body, but the truth is that eating disorders go way farther than that, and sometimes, even the best compliment, is just a remind of how ugly you are (sounds weird but you take it totally the opposite way).
When I was growing up, I had a car accident that gave me a scar on the face, between the lip and the nose, that although it doesn’t bother me anymore, I erase it from the pictures in my blog, because it is not commercial, and we all bloggers wanna be commercial, but, in my early teens, it really made me feel as a very ugly person, getting into a Dismorphism Disorder (In short terms, you look in front of the mirror as a monster, totally deformed to your eyes), and that caused extreme shyness, terror to be photographed, feeling unworthy of anyone touching me or giving me attention, and of course, horrible: not ugly, but horrible. However, although I never talked about that to anybody, a little salvation I had was that since I danced ballet and contemporary, by around my 18 birthday, I had a gorgeous body. So, I centered all the attention to it, wearing tight or bodycon clothes, showing my shoulders and arms (that were toned but yet not manly at all), my tummy, and/or my legs, so that distracted me from my ugly complex, since the attention was not directed to my face. By those days, my mother was really proud of me. She is lovely, but she needed my acceptance from others, more than even her.
However, by my 19th but not that bad), and of course I gained some weight, not much, and one day, the day I became bulimic is super clear in my mind. My boyfriend, my mom and I were going to a theater premiere, and I used a whole body evening dress, tight of course, and feeling actually that I was looking nice, went to my mom’s room birthday, I had to stop dancing after a car accident (another, to show her, and I said (joking of course): Aren’t you proud of your beautiful daughter?”. She looked at me from head to toe and she said, very dry “Your eyes have too much eye line, and your hips are getting huge”. Of course that comment made me feel as shit, but I tried not to make a huge fuzz of it. First time in my life someone said something related to me being fat (or something like that). After that, a couple of days after, although I never thought I would have an eating disorder (especially after being so skinny), I started having a terrible, terrible pain on the upper part of the stomach every time after I ate more than “I should”, and the only way to heal it was throwing up. I stood silent about that for months, I even thought I had a minor infection or something, but didn’t wanna worry anyone. Well, around 6 months after the first pain, I was living with my boyfriend, and he knew by then I had the pain and he insisted that if it kept going on I had to go to the doctor. Then I had a horrible weekend when I ate absolutely nothing because of the pain. Then he got totally worried and sent me right away to the hospital. After the doctor (who was a very well known gastroenterologist) made me all
kinds of tests, including an ultrasound, we were thinking it could be a little tumor or something like that… but NO. It was NOTHING. The pain was real though, so he gave me pills to heal it, but he and my boyfriend, sent me straight to the psychologist. To make the story short, it was unprovoked bulimia, a rejection from my body (subconscious) to eat, therefore to stay thin, therefore to be accepted, especially from my mother. I recovered from sometime, after some therapy, exercise and the support of my boyfriend, and again I gained a little bit of weight, but ironically I was OK with it, but, my mom (I wanna point out again I am not even angry with my mom, some people are more sensitive than others, like it is my case, and she had no clue of what she was doing to me), started with comments as “you can’t keep on eating that way” (even if it was not that much), “soon those pants are not gonna fit you anymore”, “you should start a diet”… and on, and on, and on. Then of course I got sick again, this time without the pain. I had to be thin to be accepted, feel pretty, and of course, look well to my mother.
To Read the end of this story please click HERE.