How to maintain strong friendships as an adult

As we grow older, we start to value our friendships more but how does one maintain strong friendships as an adult. When I was in college and university, I think I had over 100+ ‘friends’ who now I think where more acquaintances than friends because out of those 100+ only 4 of them do I consider to be my true friends and we all work hard to maintain these friendships that we worked hard to cultivate over the years.

Making friends is a lot of work, as I get older I am finding it harder to make new friends and focusing on maintaining strong bonds with my current circle of friends. Everyone knows I am an outgoing person, I am the extroverted person you will ever see but even I appreciate the complexities that are making and maintaining strong friendships as an adult. It is a lot of work but for the right people, it’s totally worth it.

So, how do you maintain strong friendships as an adult and how do you know which friendships should be cherished?

How to Maintain Strong Friendships as an Adult

When I was in high school I had a lot of friends then one day, one of my friends told me ‘because of what you said, we can’t be friends’. I don’t know what offhanded comment I said because I still do this day don’t recall meeting that ‘person’ that day or even saying ‘whatever’ it is I said. I was sad for a moment but then I realised, I actually wasn’t losing anything but creating room to spend time with the people that I liked and they liked me back.

A few months later, something similar happened but this time with a very good friend of mine, so I confronted her because I wanted to know play by play how and when I said what I ‘apparently’ said. She explained it to me and we realised it was a misunderstanding and we both apologised. The moral of the story is not that I say a lot of off handed comments that mean nothing but rather that truly friendships requires work from both sides, trust and the benefit of the doubt.

So, how does one maintain strong friendships as an adult.

1. Communication is Key

Just like in any relationship, communication is an important tool that is the key to the success of your friendship. I have a lot of acquaintances whom I talk to but rarely communicate with and I have friends who I rarely talk with but communicate often. Friendships don’t require you to talk every day but they do require you to communicate often. Is your circle of friends one where you can say anything, won’t be ridiculed for (although, true friends will laugh but also tell you why so you can laugh too). Can you freely express your opinion and having a difference in opinion is acceptable?

I am sure everyone has friends who they can tell ‘everything’ to and friends whom you share snippets of your life with. I am fortunate to have lifetime friends who I can tell anything to and they too and those whom we only share our common interests. This is the nature of the beast, you need to know which group is truly worth investing in and which is best to let loose and allow bygones to be bygones.

2. Find Joy in the ordinary

It’s funny how my friends and I can speak for hours on end about the most ordinary of things and still carry the conversation for a long time. You don’t always have to have the ‘best news’ the biggest news to have an incredible conversation with your friends or the only way to be happy is if something incredible happened and that’s when you can celebrate with them. Sorry to say but those are acquaintances and not friends. I message my friends and say, I eat a kebab today and it made me so happy and we would spend hours talking and laughing about it.

Finding joy in the ordinary does not mean to say you can not find joy in the extraordinary because you can, its to say the ordinary can be just as special. My friends and I talk about the most ordinary things like Sainsbury’s custard biscuits are better than Asda’s own brand (don’t come for me, I love them both). The ordinary is also not just to make conversation, its something that is naturally occurring just like in any relationship you can go from talking about your plans for the future to which bread is best – brown or white?

A Little Competition is good but not necessary

Every healthy relationship needs a level of competition but not one where you always want to up one another unless its to better your skills. Competing for a boy’s attention is not something that fosters strong friendships, it creates problems. Whereas competing to see who can read the most books this month is something that is encouraged because it broadens your mind and brings excitement into your friendship. You get to learn something from what you are reading and also achieve a goal that you and your friends have set.

When I was young, I found myself in an ugly situation whereby I liked this boy but didn’t know that my friend did also. We each talked about him to each other but never said who he was nor his name until one fateful day. When we both found out we liked the same boy, we did everything to make sure we liked him and went as far as sabotaging each other. I don’t know if I won because I succeeded at sabotaging my friend or the boy really liked me. In the end, I lost a friend, gained the boy (not for long) and learned my lesson.

Support and Encourage one another but, speak up as well

It is all well and good supporting your friends in times of need and encouraging them when they feel lost or need your support. But it is just as important to ensure you speak up when things are not right or plans are being derailed by one or the other. Speak up and tell your friends the truth, it might hurt then but a true friend will appreciate your honesty but that doesn’t mean you put someone down for your own selfish reasons. All my friends can call bull-crap when I am derailing myself, when I am repeating the same times I promised myself I would not.

In times of need, we all want someone in our corner fighting the good fight with us, someone to cry to, eat ice cream with and drink into the night. But at the same time, we don’t want someone who just tells us what we want to hear, sure that’s nice but it’s not helpful in the long run. We all want people who encourage us to do things outside our comfort zone, help boost our confidence when we are feeling low and show us its not all bad, we just need to hang on. True friendships require each work from both sides.

How to Maintain Friendships in current times

• Zoom calls every week – if you can accommodate more do it but we do it weekly
• Check-in on each other – I like messaging people separately from the group just to check on the individual
• Message each other often – I am bad at messaging but can speak to someone for hours on the phone, but I like with messages you have reference material.

As we grow older, our desire to maintain strong friendships as an adult is even stronger than during our younger years. Growing older, I want friends who are there for me, I can talk to, are honest, give me space, respect my decisions but also offer advise – the things I want and cherish I ensure I too give that back to them. Friendships are not one way street systems, both sides have to meet in the middle, have to work the friendship and have to trust each other.